Tuscon - Outlets for costume jewelry, moccasins, leggings and turkey feather head dresses report that sales have gone up by over 100% and some local roadside tourist traps are reporting running out of many Indian related items as locals stock up on paraphenalia which will protect them from police stops.  Mike O'toole, a Tuscon businessman stated, "I don't like having to smooth my breech cloth before I sit down, but if it prevents some cop from thinking I am Mexican it is worth it."  The impetus seems to be the assumption that dressing enough like a Navajo or Apache will give the police "reasonable suspicion" that the wearer is an Indian and not a recent immigrant, preventing them from stopping the "Village People WannaBe" from being asked for proof of citizenship.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by 6'7" red headed Alex Salmond, who resigned as Scotish First Minister and snuck into the United States last week to become a WalMart greeter in an unnamed midwest small town.

New York - Faux News owner Rupert Murdock, during an airing of The Kalb Report, a public affairs PBS series, announced, "No, I don't think we should be supporting the tea party or any other party. I'd like to investigate what you're saying before I have any..."  It would seem impossible that a regular viewer of Faux would be unfamiliar with his network's sponsorship of Tea Party events or his employees' frequent appearance at them ... with the only plausible explanation that each evening Rupert Murdock hides himself in a closet and watches the Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Roger Ailes.

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - Has Osama Bin Laden convinced his family and Saudi Princes that investing in US Health Care Corps is the best and easiest way to kill Americans?  It would be much easier to allow existing bacteria and viruses to kill Americans than spend big bucks on research for biological weapons. This theory is gaining more credence as US corps with heavy Saudi investment have ordered their Republican minions to vow to repeal the recent health care reform bill.  Many El Quebong members are quoted as saying that a bacteriological attack would be cheaper, easier, and more effective if a large number of uninsured Americans spread the illness extensively before health care officials are aware of it.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by Joe Nasaalk, a former surgeon and gas station attendant in the Saudi capitol.

Peoria, IL - Home Depot today argued in federal court to request injunctive relief ordering Doctors to cease and desist from standing around near their entrance in Brooke Bros suits hoping to be hired for weekend home visits. Both cosmetic surgeons and general practitioners have been spotted waiting near their front door seeking temporary employment. In a related event, Harvard laid off 200 faculty and staff when 90% of pre-med students changed their majors to liberal arts, citing expected lifetime earnings as the primary reason.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by J. Goopta, WalMart greeter and retired surgeon.

In a rare and widely hailed public service, California gun advocates have moved to make themselves targets of gun violence.  As noted in the Christian Science Monitor, Guns at Starbucks,

 "Small groups of armed Californians have been turning up at cafes and coffee shops with handguns holstered to their belts to raise awareness about gun rights and what they call unfair limits on concealed weapon permits."

     A known and practicing liberal noted, "I'm not sure open carry of an unloaded weapon is a good idea.  It tells muggers to shoot first and take the money off the carcass." 

     Although it would be safer to mug someone with their weapon showing than to possibly try to mug somebody who has a concealed loaded weapon, a card carrying member of the NRA stated, "I can load and fire my weapon in a couple seconds.  I'd rather be the target than some multimillionaire executive from a Wall Street bank."

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This item was called in by Phone eNews Crime Editor, Edward Thatch.

     Islamabad, Pakistan - In a rare press gaggle in a downtown hotel, terrorist leader and califate supporter Osama Ben Ladin announced that he would not mount attacks in the continental United States if the Obama administration would move the trial of Khalid Sheik Mohammed to the American military reservation at Guantanemo Bay, Cuba, stating, "Although I don't expect the capitalist devils to let him lounge on the beach in a tropical paradise sipping pina coladas, I think he would be more comfortable in the Caribbean than fighting the cold and snow of New York City in the winter." New York's Mayor Bloomberg has reversed his support of the New York venue after seeing the costs and heard the protests of street vendors to stipulations that all trinkets, souvenirs, and paraphernalia be union made in the US. Several southern states have volunteered the use of execution facilities but have been rejected as possible pools of fair and impartial jurors.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by  Felix Frankfurter who added, "I don't trust him."

Caracas, Venezuela - Hugo Rafael Chávez Frías, popular three term and current elected president of Venezuela, during a speech at Plaza Monumental de Valencia in industiral Valencia, expressed gratitude to the United States Supreme Court for freeing Citgo Petroleum Corporation, the Venezuelan owned refiner and marketer of petroleum products, to make unlimited political contributions to American political groups.  Chavez stated, "With annual revenue of over $32 Billion per year, if we invest a mere 3% of this in buying American politicians, with their typical 200:1 rate of return, we should be able net almost $2 Trillion dollars of American tax money."  Some sources estimate that each American taxpayer would then support three Venezuelan families in a middle class lifestyle.  Chavez added, "This will be much more efective than the military solutions Che offered.  The US Supreme Court has ended American democracy in a way that Fidel could only have dreamed of."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by an anonomous child of a Republican legislator who is already lining up foreign lobbying contracts.

Palm Sprints, FL - Republican leader and talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, has called for NASCAR to move the Budweiser ShootOut to Circuit de Spa-Francorchamps in Brussels, stating, "It is important that foreign sponors, like Budweiser, hold races in their home countries. Many Speedweeks events have more appropriate venues." Little Richard Lowry, over ongoing drunken rowdiness at the National Review over the failed Chicago Olympic bid, cited Bristol as a track that should be replaced by a "real bullring" in Pamplona, Pocono should be held at Bermuda's Traingle and WalMart, as "the largest retailer of NASCAR products with the greatest selection of NASCAR licensee and sponsor products for our fans" (Don Rothwell, managing director of Licensing Retail Development for NASCAR), should move the Darlington race to Communist China. A tearful Glen Beck added that he loved his country and blamed Obama for the communist, fascist thinking that limits drivers to all left turns at so many tracks. Bill OhReally added, "I call on all my listeners to boycott LifeLock products until they move their NASCAR sponsored stock car race to Rio de Janeiro."

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by King Richard Petty, the only European style Royal ever to drive the American stock car circuit.

Washinton, DC - Republican negotiators stormed out of a meeting about procedures covered under the Senate version of the health care bill, prompting one Democratic staffer to say, "The Republicans are just pissed because the Public Option does not cover their most needed medical procedure, the InterCranial Rhetomechtomy, the removal of one's head from one's butt." The issue came to a head when Senator Mitch McConnell from Kentucky recalled being billed more than $5000 for an out of network bobcat and operator when his Tuscumbia, Alabama hospital argued that normal medical tools were poorly suited for such a large task. Boaner specified that it was never ruled a previously existing condition... but rather a chronic hereditory defect. When Dems laughed at his suggestion that the bobcat rental, at least, should be covered, the senator thought they were mocking his large head and stormed out to a previously scheduled press opportunity on the Senate steps.

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This item was called in to Phone eNews by China's leading proctologist and heavy equipment operator, Dr. Yu Kno Hu, most famous for the removal of the anal cyst from famous radio hitman and draft dodger, Rush Limbaugh.